Darkness has kept the light concealed

This is now your life.

What’s it feel like?

Die, buried alive.

The line from Buried Alive seems to stick with me, amongst others. I don’t know what it feels like. It feels like loneliness. It’s a cold, painful feeling I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.

As the release date for Avenged Sevenfold’s Nightmare gets closer and closer, the feeling seems to be multiplying into something I can no longer control. My own nightmares are getting worse and a thousand times more confusing than they were. I think that reality is attempting to slap me in the face and tell me that this is real, Jimmy’s really gone and I still don’t want to believe it.

I’d rather live in my safe, fictional world where he’s still alive and well and I’m just as happy as ever. God knows there will be something or someone that ruins this for me. I don’t want that. I’d prefer to stay locked in this delusion that keeps me comforted and sane. Though I’m far from sane anymore.

If you could see the thoughts inside this head of mine, you’d wonder how it is I manage to function in the real world. Truth is, I don’t even know. I know that I’m still dazed, even seven months later, and I’m still screaming for God to give him back. Not just to me, but to the guys and the fans and everyone else who loves Jimmy. I know that I’m not healthy, physically and mentally.

And as my 23^rd birthday approaches, I seem to be regressing back to that sixteen year old me with enough mental problems to fill an entire book. I only hope that it stops and I am able to keep pushing forward day by day until I can support myself and finally leave this hellish place I’m living in.

These are my thoughts, my everyday wonderings. I question my sanity and my will to live every single day and go to bed thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will wake up and the answers will be there.

So far, this is not the case.

Yours foREVer,

Cali B. Diamond-Plague