A letter to myself

Dear Me,

What has happened to you over the last week? You've turned into someone I don't even recognize anymore. The thoughts and feelings that you let control you when you were a teenager are back in full effect and I fear that we may be losing the strength we've built up from the pieces you were shattered into.

I know things aren't the best right now, and I understand that you're hurting, but honestly, the thoughts of slicing yourself open to feel better are just that. Thoughts. We've been over this a million times and I know you know that this isn't healthy. The pain can only numb so much before it becomes pain again and causes you to restart the process all over again.

You're letting your mind wander into a place it shouldn't be and I'm trying like hell to hold you back. I feel like I'm losing. This battle has been long and hard and we've both emerged with scars, physical, emotional and mental.

Things will perk up. I promise they will. You just need to find that place inside of you that knows you will make it. You have to reach for it and grasp it with a firm hand and hold on for dear life because I fear that if I let you continue to behave this way and think this way, you will bury yourself deeper in this pit of pain and despair.

Put the past behind you, dear, take these thoughts and feelings and turn them into something good. I know you can do it because I AM you and I know you better than you know yourself.

Something was lost. Many something's were lost. But with something that is lost, comes something that is gained. Think of the things you have now and be thankful for them. Hold on to them. If they choose to fade away, keep reaching for new things and people and places.

You are better than this. I love you. Please, do not turn on yourself. Do not turn on me. I'm counting on you because I need you.

Love you with everything in this heart we share,

You<3

The thing about Death...

This is a blog post that I came across while sifting through one of my thousands of LiveJournal accounts. I don't know why I felt like sharing, here it is. This is my first (and only) experience with a funeral.

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July 27, 2007

Well, this was my first ever funeral that I've actually gone to and what can I say except... wow.

It was the most disturbing, scary, mind numbing thing I have ever witnessed.

I knew the moment we stepped into the Funeral Home this morning, I was going to have a hard time.
It started when my mom (who was in front of me) asked: "Why is it Open Casket?"

Of course, like someone who has just been told there is a grizzly accident coming up on his way home from work, I looked and damn near threw up.

There she was.
Dead.
Lying in the coffin like she was just sleeping.

Hell, I half expected her to wink at everyone in the room like a child playing a game.

No.
No, she just laid there, dead. Not moving. Nothing.

I couldn't handle it.
I took two steps into the room designated for family and made sure to find a seat where I would not have ANY sort of view of the coffin.

I sat there and started having a mild panic attack and actually left the chapel thing with my aunt, who managed to talk me into going back in, even though I knew very well I wouldn't be able to handle it.

But I kept my eyes on my feet and sat back down and just stared at the wall.

I don't remember a lot of what was said about her, I just remember staring blankly at the wall, thinking about a fan fic I want to start writing.

Well, some time passed and I noticed my mom was getting up.
I thought she was heading outside for a cigarette and followed her.

No.

No, she went straight for the damn casket and like an idiot, I followed her.

The moment I took my momma's hand, I damn near broke it.

Just looking at Grandma Jean made my heart race and my chest hurt.
I made it a point to bury my face in Mom's shoulder so she would get the hint and let her take me outside.

I tell you, I have never cried so hard in my life.

It's all so surreal.
I mean, I keep thinking that it's a dream and I'll wake up eventually, but I also know better than that and you can't wake up when you weren't sleeping in the first place.

So yeah, I'm completely numb from head to toe and I have been since we left.

What I wouldn't give to be able to feel something.

But I have nothing to use and I would get in trouble with several ppl and I'm in no mood to be bitched at.

Anyway, there's my traumatic tale.
Hope it doesn't freak you guys out.
Just be happy you weren't there....

♥

Cali
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FoREVer yours,

Cali B. Diamond-Plague

Darkness has kept the light concealed

This is now your life.

What’s it feel like?

Die, buried alive.

The line from Buried Alive seems to stick with me, amongst others. I don’t know what it feels like. It feels like loneliness. It’s a cold, painful feeling I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.

As the release date for Avenged Sevenfold’s Nightmare gets closer and closer, the feeling seems to be multiplying into something I can no longer control. My own nightmares are getting worse and a thousand times more confusing than they were. I think that reality is attempting to slap me in the face and tell me that this is real, Jimmy’s really gone and I still don’t want to believe it.

I’d rather live in my safe, fictional world where he’s still alive and well and I’m just as happy as ever. God knows there will be something or someone that ruins this for me. I don’t want that. I’d prefer to stay locked in this delusion that keeps me comforted and sane. Though I’m far from sane anymore.

If you could see the thoughts inside this head of mine, you’d wonder how it is I manage to function in the real world. Truth is, I don’t even know. I know that I’m still dazed, even seven months later, and I’m still screaming for God to give him back. Not just to me, but to the guys and the fans and everyone else who loves Jimmy. I know that I’m not healthy, physically and mentally.

And as my 23^rd birthday approaches, I seem to be regressing back to that sixteen year old me with enough mental problems to fill an entire book. I only hope that it stops and I am able to keep pushing forward day by day until I can support myself and finally leave this hellish place I’m living in.

These are my thoughts, my everyday wonderings. I question my sanity and my will to live every single day and go to bed thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will wake up and the answers will be there.

So far, this is not the case.

Yours foREVer,

Cali B. Diamond-Plague